vulnerable

I deactivated my instagram account yesterday and my screen time is now reduced to 2h 41 and it’s 5:26pm. I believe that’s partially due to me writing this and the 50 minutes I apparently spent on spotify. Must have forgotten to lock my phone while listening to a podcast while on a walk.

I did yoga instead of scrolling instagram in bed I had breakfast with the fam and read the news instead of scrolling instagram, I planned out a project for uni (farm animals here we go), I went on a 2.5 hour long walk along a main road, I baked and ate biscuits with my mom and just stopped reading the book I got for christmas to write this down.

Yesterday I kept trying to open instagram just to be greeted by a “login” button that reminded me that Instagram’s explore page is bad for my mental health and the reason I deactivated it.

I now moved the app into a different folder so that I don’t continuously try to kill my brain cells and rather spent my time doing something productive.

I’m not promising anything and the chance of me reactivating my account does exist (percentage of likelihood is -in this moment- unknown).

I got my arket delivery today. I know. Who do I think I am??? But it’s so soft and comfy and warm and green. Oh a fleece btw. And it has a good and thumb holes (that’s what I believe to be the official terminology for, well holes for your thumbs).

I just read max goldt and am therefore in a rather ironic/ sarcastic mood. What a weird thing to say and those are also not the words Id prefer using to describe the mood I’m in. But im lacking english vocabulary so ironic/ sarcastic it is.

Went to the grocery store yet again as that is the only entertainment one gets round here now. Got myself vegan fish and date and peanut butter. There was more cause it cost 11€. Don’t remember what tho. In the evening I had a salad and the fish thing. Then ice cream and bicuits.

Woke up to my stomach grumbling at 2:55am literally screaming at me to feed it. I ever so politely ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. Unsuccessfully I might add. So at 4 I finally gave in and ate half a banana. Time did not want to pass and so I was scrolling pinterest, watched youtube and tried to go to sleep while some british actors read a story. Nothing worked and at 7 I finally got up, took a shower and went downstairs to make breakfast. Microwaved oats.

Then I had the doctors appointment. I had to share the waiting room with an elderly man, a girl and her dad and an air purifyer. My blood and organs are good. I’m lacking iron. And calories. I now have to go to a councelor and try to figure out how to get them numbers out of my head and how to make foods my friend. I’m really fucking scared. My doctor legit almost begged me to please eat more as she’s so worried and doesn’t want to see me in a clinic.

When I got home I had a second breakfast. 2 slices of bread, one with cheese, no weighing. Also a pear.

I then had an honest chat about the whole thing with my mom where I legit told her everything. Everything. I forbid myself to eat when I see other people are full. I forbid myself to eat candy. When someone eats less then me at the dinner table I assume I’m gonna get fat even tho I have no idea what other foods they ate during the day. I’m always hungry. Some nights I wake up ravenously hungry cause I ate too little the day before. In my mind there are only numbers and I constantly think about food.

We then went to the grocery store and for lunch we made a soup but added grießklöße (v german, consisting of egg, butter, milk and semolina(?)) to add calories. Also had a sandwich.

I was really full after but it tasted good. In the afternoon I had some biscuits and tea.

For dinner I ate salmon, peas and potatoes. Yes fish but I need iron and the challenge to eat fats. There was also a fennel- orange salad covered in oil which I kind of bit off the fork with my teeth. Still had oily lips after. I then got emotional yet again and went up into my room where I am now.

Today has been all over the place. Haven’t felt this weak and sensible in a long time.

screentime at 8:19 pm: 7h24

not even too bad, considering that I’ve been up for like 17 hours.

I’m really fucking scared but I have to do this. I don’t want to be weak and cold. Fuck.

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